Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Now or never...

My weight... my health... it's all out of control.  Seriously, I've never felt more anxious, more hopeless, more helpless than I do in this moment.  Well, not quite this moment because starting this blog has already empowered me to take action and say, to myself, I CAN LOSE WEIGHT.

Of course, it isn't just about the weight.  My health is failing too.  I'm not sure which came first actually but I think the health issues started just slightly before the weight issues.  I got very sick with an infection over 18 months ago and my life has not been the same.  I WANT MY LIFE BACK NOW.

I needed a semi-anonymous place where I could discuss my journey and my fears and my faults.  I had another blog that I never kept up.... a few other blogs actually.  It just felt so phony to write in them about life as if things were peachy keen.  MY LIFE IS NOT OK.

I went from having a career, friends, family, social life, Junior League volunteer hours, living alone and keeping my home, cooking, etc to not even being able to walk more than 20 feet... in less than 3 months.  I lost everything that quickly.  IT IS SO HARD TO THINK ABOUT MY OLD LIFE.

So, anyway, here I am... as I mentioned, a semi-anonymous place for the venting and the tears and the pictures of infections on my body because this is real life.  This is how I live right now.  I tell my significant other multiple times a day that I don't want to die.  I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

My experiences are unique to me and I don't expect all of the random internet to agree with me.  However, I need my energy to heal so I won't be engaging in any heated debates.  I'm willing to learn, though, and welcome the opinions of others who have traveled down this road.  I'm thankful for any support offered along my journey.

I may write once a day.  I may write 20 times a day.  I'm going to use this to talk myself through this process of change.  If I can write it down, it's real and maybe that will help me stay on track.  I'm choosing to put energy into me for the first time in a long time.

I CAN LOSE WEIGHT.  I WANT MY LIFE BACK NOW.  MY LIFE IS NOT OK.  IT IS SO HARD TO THINK ABOUT MY OLD LIFE.  I DON'T WANT TO DIE.  NOW, OR NEVER...

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